I would like to take a moment to interrupt your normal entertainment activities for a very important and disturbing public service announcement.  It has been brought to my attention through numerous friends on Facebook and Twitter that the latest fashion fad amongst American men is something called a romper.  Now I confess that, before Friday, I had no idea what a romper was.  I’d seen them before. I just had no idea they were called “rompers.”  I assumed they were called “a cry for help.”

Before I continue with this important announcement, I must make confession.  Once upon a time, I owned a leisure suit.  All I can say in my defense is that it was a dark time in my life and I’ve grown since then into a much stronger person.  I’ve been told that I actually looked pretty good in the leisure suit (Thanks, Mom!) and I’d be happy to post a picture, but it seems that every single photograph of me wearing the leisure suit has been, um, destroyed in a terrible fire.  All the negatives, too.  Very sad!

So I get it.  I understand the siren call of the latest fashion.  So, for every man out there that owns a romper, or is thinking about owning a romper, this simple, heartfelt message is for you.

What is WRONG with you!?  How did your daily allotment of pride get cut to starvation rations?  Do you realize that if you were an infant, it wouldn’t be called a romper?  It would be called a onesy!  I want every single one of you that owns one of these crimes against nature to go to your closet right now and put it on.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  Then I want you to find a full length mirror and look at yourself.  LOOK AT YOURSELF.  Then look at your face.  You will see the face of a man that once had pride, dignity, perhaps even a life of fulfillment.  Then think to yourself, “What has happened to me?”  Then I want you to get some gasoline and a match and do what you know is the only right thing to do.  Depending on your level of embarrassment, I’d take the romper off first.

This concludes our public service announcement.  You may now continue with your normal entertainment activities.  Thank you.

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